


What's It Feel Like?

by Writerleft



Series: Comes Marching Home [19]
Category: Avatar: Legend of Korra
Genre: Angst, Distance, F/F, Love, Pre Book 4, Recovery, repost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-19
Updated: 2017-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:07:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24509653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Writerleft/pseuds/Writerleft
Summary: Korra went to the South to recover alone... but is 'alone' really what's best for her?
Relationships: Korra/Asami Sato
Series: Comes Marching Home [19]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/593860
Comments: 22
Kudos: 120





	What's It Feel Like?

Korra sat up in the healing waters, balanced between relaxation and sorrow. It had been weeks, _weeks_ since she’d come South and started under Katara, and all she’d done so far was wiggle her toes a few times. All the fight she had in her, every ounce of strength and stubbornness, and all she could do was wiggle her toes.

Today… she didn’t have that much fight.

She closed her eyes, letting the healing energy of the waters wash over her, drifting away from her body, from her bleak reality and a future that only seemed dimmer and dimmer...

Zaheer was always there, in the darkness. She ran from him--she could still run in her mind, at least. She ran to where she felt safe.

Sometimes it was her parents’ embrace. Sometimes it was Tenzin’s wise words.

But a lot of the time--most of the time--it was Asami. Her smile, her laugh. Her hand atop Korra’s. The softness of her voice. The wind through her hair.

She missed her.

She missed all her friends. Mako and Bolin, the kids…

But Asami?

Why did she want to talk to her so much? Why did she want to be held by her? Why was she so desperate to hear her voice?

“What are you thinking of?” Katara asked.

Korra shook her head, eyes still closed, but returned to the present. The lonely here-and-now. All she saw was darkness.

“You just felt… calmer there, for a moment. If there was something in particular that made you feel that way, maybe it could help.”

Asami.

“What happened to you isn’t just physical, Korra. Maybe if we talked about--”

“I wasn’t thinking about anyone!”

Korra’s words seemed to echo. Katara didn’t reply, she simply continued her healing, but Korra heard ‘anyone’ again and again.

Why was she thinking of Asami so much? Right now? Alone? At night? Any time she looked out a window. Any time she wanted to cry, couldn’t stop herself?

And why was she so scared to admit it?

  


\--

  


The next day was a better one. Korra moved her whole foot, several times, and wiggling her toes was even a little easier. It was so little, but it felt like so _much_.

“You’re doing so well, Korra,” Katara said, as Korra settled back in her chair. She squeezed Korra’s shoulder, and Korra smiled up at her.

“Thanks, Katara. Thanks for all your help. At this rate, I’m sure I’ll be walking again in no time.”

Katara smiled. “Always happy to help the Avatar. Let me go get your mother. She’ll be happy to hear the good news.”

Korra nodded, the thrill already starting to fade. How much could she celebrate over something like this? How much could she celebrate alone? 

She just wished Asami were here to celebrate with.

But at the same time, she couldn’t stand the idea of Asami seeing her like this. Elated over a toe wiggle. Asami knew Korra as powerful, and adventurous. How could she love--

...Love?

“Hey, honey,” Mom said, following Katara back into the room. “I hear today went really well.”

“Uh, yeah,” Korra said, blinking the thought away, even though it shrieked from the back of her mind. “I moved my whole foot.”

“Oh, that’s great!” Mom bent over, wrapping Korra in a tight hug. “Let’s get home, and tell your father.”

“Sure,” Korra said, settling her hands into her lap. Her mother got behind her wheelchair, and guided her home, but Korra’s mind was elsewhere.

  


\--

  


Hours later, her mind was still spiralling. A dinner of weak smiles, an evening maintaining the same brave face that took every ounce of her strength some days, and finally it got late enough for her to head to bed.

She closed her door, and finally she could take a breath. Finally face the thought that had been rising in her since this afternoon, since before she left Republic City, since before Zaheer even:

Asami Sato.

She missed her. She missed her _so much_ , that it shocked her just how much time they’d spent together. Not until she had left did she truly recognize how much she expected to turn, and have Asami just be _there_. How she sat with Asami at meals, how she stood beside her whenever she could.

How much she loved being with Asami.

_How much she loved her._

Korra lay in her bed, a pillow clutched against herself, and sobbed. Not for the first time--many nights had been like this, these past months.

How had she not seen it? How had she not realized… _this_? Was this even what she thought it was?

Everything she did to make Asami laugh. Every decision she made, to bring herself closer. What else could these feelings be?

And now…

Asami was thousands of miles away. The ache of that made Korra’s feelings all the clearer.

Asami was thousands of miles away…. and better off without her.

Korra only brought danger to the people she cared about. She was just a useless burden.

She didn’t deserve Asami. Asami certainly didn’t deserve to be saddled with _her_.

Sobs wracked her body, ugly ones, all the uglier for her immobilized legs keeping her from truly curling up. She realized she was in love, yet all that did was make her suffer more? And the worst thing was--who did she want to talk to about her feelings?

Asami.

Who was the one person she could rely on to understand, to help her work things out?

Asami.

How could she have fallen in love with her best friend without realizing it?

How could she only be realizing it, now that doing a single damned thing about it was impossible?

She didn’t know how long she cried, but it continued until she was well and truly out of tears. Eventually, and only out of sheer exhaustion, she slept.

  


\--

  


Healing was glum the next day. Korra barely moved. She didn’t try to move her feet at all.

\--

  


The day after was much the same. Katara filled the session with sighs. Her parents echoed them at home. A batch of letters arrived, as they had been, but Korra didn’t have the will to open them.

She withdrew.

  


\--

  
_(Fanart courtesy of[roartruemajesty](http://roartruemajesty.tumblr.com/post/174800625668/scene-from-one-of-many-of-writerlefts-korrasami))_  


Shortly into the next session, the healing waters suddenly turned to ice.

Korra jerked--as much as she could--and turned to Katara. “What the heck?”

“Oh, so I can get your attention,” Katara said.

Korra gave her a stink eye, but the old woman reliquified the water.

“Why don’t you tell me what’s troubling you?”

Korra’s stinkeye only deepened.

“I’m here to help you, you know. Whatever you’re feeling, I doubt I’m the source of it.”

Phrased that way, Korra had to admit she was being just a tiny bit unreasonable. Grudgingly. “You’re not. You shouldn’t have to be doing this. You should be enjoying retirement, hanging out with your grandkids… anything but watching me mope all the time.”

“You may not be my grandchild, Korra, but you are my family,” Katara said. “And I care about more than getting you walking again. You have one of the brightest, prettiest smiles I’ve ever seen, Korra. I want to see it again.”

When was the last time she’d smiled, like Katara meant?

It was with Asami, of course. Korra sighed. “I miss my friends.”

“You could ask them to visit.”

“No! I mean… no.”

Katara didn’t argue, and Korra loved her for it. Truth be told, as ashamed as she was to be seen this way, she’d be just as overjoyed to see any of them, for even an hour. And if Asami were to show up…

“Katara, can I ask you something?”

“Of course, dear.”

“How did you know you were in love with Aang? That he was… the _one,_ you know?”

For the first time in the weeks since these healing sessions began, Katara lost her pacing. She recovered it, quickly--Korra could only wish she moved as fluidly as Katara did, when she got to that age. If she lived that long. If she could ever move again at all. “I… suppose I don’t know. We were such good friends as soon as we met, and we only grew closer, over time. We cared for each other, about each other. Kept finding times to be together…”

Korra nodded, listening to the words, remembering her time with Asami. How perfectly Katara was describing it.

“We were so young, though,” Katara laughed. “By the time we were old enough to truly be romantically involved, there was no question about it. If I caught one of my granddaughters thinking she was in love at that age, I’d probably box her ears… but I can’t say I’d do it any differently.”

“So, no regrets?”

Katara kept moving the healing water, but her silence went longer than Korra thought. “A few. But just a few. Aang was a great man, and a good one, but… even he wasn’t perfect. He had his moments of doubt too, you know.”

“As bad as this?”

“Measuring your pain against another’s only serves to strengthen it,” Katara scolded, but did not answer.

Korra let it lie. “And… how did you know he was in love with you?”

Katara snorted. “When he kissed me on top of a submarine during the Day of Black Sun.”

“...right.”

Katara’s chuckles continued. “Like I said, we were young. Maybe we would have been a little smoother about it, if we’d been your age.”

Korra looked away. Katara made a little humming noise that was growing to really irritate Korra--it meant the old woman had confirmed a suspicion.

“Is there anyone in particular, you would want to visit, if you could?”

“I don’t want to see anyone.”

“You don’t want anyone to see you.”

Korra snorted, rippling the water under her nose.

“Korra… I know you don’t feel very lovable right now. But if there’s someone out there that loves you, truly loves you, this is when they most want to be by your side.”

She closed her eyes. If… _if_ Asami felt the same way about her, even a little, then it was even more important not to talk to her. Asami didn’t deserve to be saddled with an invalid. She was too brilliant, too important to be stuck holding a broken Avatar’s hand.

“I hear you keep getting letters from Republic City.”

“You spying on my mail now?”

Katara stopped. A thin tendril of water rose, nudging Korra’s face until she looked at her. “They care enough about you to send you letters. I was lucky to get one from Bumi or Kya twice a year when they were out in the world. If you don’t want to talk to them for whatever reason, fine. You don’t even have to reply to them. But at least, accept the love they took the time to send you. They deserve that much, don’t they?”

Korra twisted her eyes down. “Yeah,” she murmured.

“Hmm? Say that again, dear, my hearing isn’t what it used to be.”

“Yeah, fine!” Korra said, resigned.

\--

  


Korra got home, grumbling the whole way, but that actually made her mom cheerful. At least she wasn’t sulking, she supposed. Was this really what counted as a good day, now? Maybe she _should_ be sulking.

“Another letter came for you,” Dad said as they got in. “Looks like Asami sent two this week.”

At the sound of her name, Korra’s heart slammed against her ribcage. “Thanks, she said, laying it in her lap. “I’m going to take it to my room, have a read.”

“Alright,” he said. “Dinner’s in an hour. Want us to bring it in to you, or want to eat out here?”

Korra paused, glancing at the letter, unopened in her lap. “How about you ask me in an hour?”

“Sure thing, sweetie,” he said, bending to kiss the top of her head.

Korra rolled her way back to her room--it was starting to feel familiar enough to call hers, at least. The unopened letters still sat by her bed, but for some reason, this new one called her more.

  


_Dear Korra,_

_I hope you are doing better. Every morning, while I sip my first cup of tea, I step outside and look out into the harbor, and I think about you. Probably I should face south, but that’s just a bunch of mountains. They are pretty enough, but they don’t make me think about you the way water does._

_I have big news today, and I couldn’t wait to tell you about it! I finally shoved my railway contract through the board. I won’t bore you with details, and I have to admit they’re probably right that cheap public transportation in Republic City will cost us Satomobile sales but… it’s the most efficient way to do it, it’ll turn a profit in its own right, and it’s going to help a lot of people. The stations are going to be a key part of the new city I’m building. I can’t wait for you to see it!_

_Plus, when you get back, it’ll make it easier for you to get around too. At least, until we finish your driving lessons._

_Haha, I hope you don’t mind me joking a little like that. I really miss you. I hope you aren’t getting tired of reading that, because it’s only getting more true._

_I hope this letter finds you better than the last. I hope you’re even better when you get the next one._

_Until then, just know that I’ll be thinking of you. I think about you a lot._

_With love,_

_Asami_

  


Korra found herself crying, but she was smiling, too. She read the beautiful, precise writing in Asami’s voice, felt the warm embrace of her words.

She was in love with Asami Sato. Not just the thought of her, not just the memory… the sweet, compassionate woman who had written these words. To her. With love.

That didn’t mean Asami loved her. That didn’t even mean she could, not the way Korra realized she wanted. Maybe it was weird--could two girls even do that, or was this an Avatar thing?

But somehow, right now, that was beside the point.

Weird or not, however much she loved Asami Sato, she was in no position to do a damned thing about it. Not from the South Pole.

Not from this chair.

She set the letter aside, and after a short struggle, got off her boots.

Before, she’d had loss, and pain. Duty, and shame. 

Now, she had a goal. She already knew she had to get better for the world.

But now, she _needed_ to get better, for the sake of a girl.

“Alright,” she said to her feet. “Turns out, there’s someone I really want to dance with someday. So you two gotta start cooperating so we can do it before she’s got the whole city rebuilt. No more laziness: let’s get moving.”

She had dinner in her room that night. She ate while focusing on her feet. The sun set outside, and still she worked. Her parents and eventually even the palace staff turned in, and still she sat.

She could wiggle both feet at will by morning.

  


**Author's Note:**

> This was taken down due to a minor error, restoring it now!


End file.
